TOONTOWN OFFLINE ALWAYS HIT MOVIE
i'm filming a movie of my decisions instead of being the star. i'm the stage crew in a play of my own life. i always feel like a side character in my own story. everyone else has someone they like more, who they've talked with more, who they see as a bigger person in their life.
i honestly struggle with those feelings so much, like, i'm in a huge group of friends, but i don't think anyone would pick me over someone else. hell, that one stream where c!ranboo was like "i'm not a person anyone would pick over someone else" hit me SO HARD that it still shakes me to this day. i always feel like i'm alone whenever i'm with a group of people. i never feel supported even though i know i have people there for me. i just want to make content people are happy with, but i can't find the right people, or anything. i'm happy where i am right now, but i can't find my way out of the low points, and yes, i have a better time now then i did a few years ago, but i can't shake my feelings of self doubt and dehumanizing myself every time i want to feel happy about something related to it. but even then whenever i do it just feels like it's ignored and nobody cares. like, i know i should be promoting myself, but i feel guilty for doing so and i can't shake the awful feeling, because even though i really need to, i can't bring myself to it. i have to make people see it myself, and i feel bad for it. like, "i'm trying my hardest out here and not getting rewarded at all, and yet someone else does something small and they get the praise? but it's my friend! i should feel happy for them! why am i feeling so bad about it?!" it's so much worse for me too though because i've always struggled with the feeling of being invisible and never feeling like i'm really there even though i am, and every time someone gets praised for something i've also done beforehand it just, hurts you know? like i want to be seen for something for once! i have ideas and i'm here! and yet, nobody even hears it. i've always had a desire to be famous for something, whether it be myself or something i create, so seeing my friends get an easy pass, despite me being happy as all hell for them, i can't help but feel a pit in my stomach that's just burning jealousy. I just can't help but feel jealous and envious, because it's something i've always wanted to do and i've worked decently hard for it with no fruit to bear for it, and i've always struggled with the feelings of validation.
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